How the tortoises (and the bri’ish “person” and Percival’s terrible singing voice) at Kevin’s work (so you know how to get them to not wake up Kevin’s pet tortoise as much)

And you may ask yourself What is that beautiful tortoise? And you may ask yourself Where does it’s sleepiness go to? And you may ask yourself Am I right? Am I wrong? And you may say to yourself My God, what have I done?

Tortelvis

The living legend from Dread Zeppelin himself has decided to go on a short break at Kevin’s. And as Kevin doesn’t discriminate based on tortoise variety, that’s why he’s allowed to be here with the other tortoises.

Anyway, Tortelvis starts off on Camera 6. He will just follow the same path towards the office (whilst Charlie Haj passes him his water and his towels off-camera), and when he reaches the office, he will give you a personal performance. When you close the door on him, he will go back to cam 6, before starting again. He’s not that much of a threat overall, but he’s active before everyone else, so watch out for that!

He makes some very distinctive noises when he moves (either complimenting Charlie Haj, or giving you, at your computer screen, a personal shoutout), so it’s relatively simple to keep track of him.

Overall Difficulty: low

Esiotrot

The reanimated remains of this tortoise was cursed to experience existence backwards, and is waiting for itself to undecompose and return to living. Being the reanimated remains of a tortoise, it has decided to take a holiday to Kevin’s, whilst waiting for realivement.

The Esiotrot starts off in Camera 6 with Tortelvis, and takes a rather long time to reach your office at first, and initially isn’t much of a threat. However, every time the Esiotrot is sent back from the office, it’s starting position moves forward one position, until the Esiotrot’s starting position is ever so slightly not quite in front of the office. Once the Esiotrot reaches the office, the Esiotrot will start trying to have a conversation with you about life, the universe, and everything. But, as the Esiotrot experiences existence in reverse, it will sound like reversed garbage (which is very disturbing to any sleeping tortoises).

The Esiotrot’s movement sound is also rather distinctive, as it’ll mention something (which sounds like it’s backwards) whenever it does move.

Overall Difficulty: Snowball

Testudo

Yes, an entire Testudo from the ill-fated Legio IX Hispana took a wrong turn, fell into a wormhole, and ended up at Kevin’s. They’re cool with the holiday though, as it’s a definite improvement from being in Bri’ain 🤮

The Testudo starts off in Camera 4. When they reach the office, they will try to get you to listen to their mixtape (they really like it). As they’re a group of highly trained roman soldiers, they have a vague idea about the concept of ‘tactics’, so, whenever they get sent away from the office, their next attempt at getting to the office will use a different route to the route that they just tried and failed to use, hoping that this other route will work a bit better.

Their movement sound is the noise of some plate armour moving. It might be a bit hard to hear (especially over all the other noises), but it’s still distinctive.

Overall Difficulty: Medium

Ke’in

Ke’in is like Kevin but he’s bri’ish and is a bit of a jerk instead. He also has a vendetta against Kevin, and is stuck in an unending war against Kevin. His previous attempts at defeating Kevin have all ended badly (his previous attempt ended up with him getting teleported to France and accidentally crashing his plane into the Eiffel Tower instead of into Kevin), so he’s decided to get back at Kevin by waking up Kevin’s pet tortoise. Because he’s a jerk.

Ke’in, being bri’ish, spends most of his time in Bri’ain (camera 8). As Ke’in is bri’ish, he doesn’t move if there’s a chance of him being watched (social anxiety and the like), so by checking any cameras, he’ll temporarily hesitate and won’t consider moving. However, he’s much more likely to move than anyone else when he isn’t getting watched. He’ll get closer and closer to the camera, before making his way directly to the office and causing a ruckus. After getting sent away from the office, Ke’in will be sent back to Bri’ain. However, he might end up a bit closer to the camera than normal. Or a lot closer than normal.

When Ke’in moves, he usually always threatens/taunts you and/or Kevin. Why? Because he’s bri’ish and he’s a jerk.

Overall Difficulty: Consis’en’ly inconsis’ent, jus’ like the bri’ish weather

ĭ̴̢̹̜̙͓̋n̴̝̈́͐́̄̎t̵̛͇͈̻͎̻̠̎͒̎̀̽͝r̸̙̤͗̆̀͠u̸̥̬͉͊̓͊̏̈d̵̹̾͗̔̊ȩ̵̣̼̝͙̐͊͐͘͜r̶̨͊́́͂

The ĭ̴̢̹̜̙͓̋n̴̝̈́͐́̄̎t̵̛͇͈̻͎̻̠̎͒̎̀̽͝r̸̙̤͗̆̀͠u̸̥̬͉͊̓͊̏̈d̵̹̾͗̔̊ȩ̵̣̼̝͙̐͊͐͘͜r̶̨͊́́͂ is not supposed to be here. It wasn’t invited here, but, it’s still tortoise-esque, so Kevin allows it to fester.

The ĭ̴̢̹̜̙͓̋n̴̝̈́͐́̄̎t̵̛͇͈̻͎̻̠̎͒̎̀̽͝r̸̙̤͗̆̀͠u̸̥̬͉͊̓͊̏̈d̵̹̾͗̔̊ȩ̵̣̼̝͙̐͊͐͘͜r̶̨͊́́͂ can usually be found in cam 7, and ends up slowly getting closer to your office over time. Luckily for you, it won’t try to disturb Kevin’s tortoise. Unfortunately, it disturbs everyone else, and causes everyone else to be a bit more likely to move to try to wake up Kevin’s tortoise, in an attempt to summon Kevin and get the ĭ̴̢̹̜̙͓̋n̴̝̈́͐́̄̎t̵̛͇͈̻͎̻̠̎͒̎̀̽͝r̸̙̤͗̆̀͠u̸̥̬͉͊̓͊̏̈d̵̹̾͗̔̊ȩ̵̣̼̝͙̐͊͐͘͜r̶̨͊́́͂ to go away. It will also affect a certain item of electronic equipment in the office, to make it work a little bit faster, to your detriment. Eventually, the ĭ̴̢̹̜̙͓̋n̴̝̈́͐́̄̎t̵̛͇͈̻͎̻̠̎͒̎̀̽͝r̸̙̤͗̆̀͠u̸̥̬͉͊̓͊̏̈d̵̹̾͗̔̊ȩ̵̣̼̝͙̐͊͐͘͜r̶̨͊́́͂ will end up in a position where the cameras can’t see it. In this case, to stop it from moving, you need to look at it yourself. With your own two eyes.

Whenever the ĭ̴̢̹̜̙͓̋n̴̝̈́͐́̄̎t̵̛͇͈̻͎̻̠̎͒̎̀̽͝r̸̙̤͗̆̀͠u̸̥̬͉͊̓͊̏̈d̵̹̾͗̔̊ȩ̵̣̼̝͙̐͊͐͘͜r̶̨͊́́͂ moves, it makes a particularly unsettling unnatural noise, but it’s rather quiet, so you might miss it if you’re not paying attention. But you’ll probably notice the repurcussions of it’s movement soon enough.

Overall Difficulty: Collaborationist

Percival

Percival was dying, lost in the cold vacuum of space after his previous misadventure, when he fell into a wormhole and ended up here. Kevin decided to employ him to work on the day-shift here. Percival, being Percival, is always trying to help out however he can, so he decided that he would try to record some tortoise lullabys, providing you with a Percisanic™️ AutoCDPlayer™️ 9000000 to play those lullabys on, hoping to help you to let Kevin’s pet tortoise sleep uninterrupted.

Unfortunately for you, Percival is Percival. And Percival is an idiot who is terrible at creating music. His utterly terrible “lullabys” just disturb Kevin’s pet tortoise instead of helping it to sleep. And, unfortunatelier for you, the Percisanic™️ AutoCDPlayer™️ 9000000 does not have a mute button, or a ‘stop’ button. All it has is a ‘snooze’ button.

Whenever you hear Percival’s prerecorded messages introducing the next song (or just clearing his throat), you need to turn around ASAP and get that thing to shut up. Pronto. Even if that means having to let the door open (and risk letting anyone else wake up Kevin’s pet tortoise in the meantime). As soon as he starts singing, that tortoise is going to be woken up very, very quickly.

Overall Difficulty: Inevitable.

Some other bits of info about this game

• Yes, this game is a fnaf derivative.
  • If you have a vague idea about how those games work, you can probably work out the rest from here (but bear in mind that this game uses keyboard controls).
  • If someone’s right outside your room, close the door!
  • If there’s some godawful music playing behind you, turn it off!
  • If you want someone to stay right where they are (and not do anything unpleasant), stare at them through the cameras so their social anxiety prevents them from moving!
  • If nobody is right outside your room, or just about to be right outside your room, don’t close the door!
• Consider paying attention to Percival’s prerecorded message.
• Use the cameras (up arrow key) to look at the other tortoises/Bri’ish “person” so they don’t move closer to you (and get closer to waking up Kevin’s pet tortoise).
  • They CANNOT move if you’re currently looking at them. (why? social anxiety!).
  • Using the cameras slowly consumes camera power. You can close the cameras (down arrow key) and the camera power will quickly recharge. Camera power will NOT recharge whilst the door is closed. (why? because if the cameras could recharge whilst the doors were closed, it would be too easy!)
  • Use the number keys to change which camera you are looking at.
    • Take a moment to look at the map. Each room and each doorway is visible on the map. Every enemy (bar one obvious exception) is bound by the limitations of the physical world, and will stick to the defined hallways. Furthermore, each number on the map corresponds to what room that camera is located in. (y’know, the usual sort of ‘fnaf derivative’ schtick)
• Everything makes a noise when it moves.
  • This noise just serves to let you know that they’ve moved. Kevin’s pet tortoise can easily sleep through this noise.
  • Everything makes a different noise/noises to each other. You’ll work out who everyone is soon enough.
• When something appears right in front of you, it’ll start causing a racket, and will slowly start to wake up Kevin’s tortoise as it remains there.
  • As soon as you close the door (spacebar), it will go away and stop waking up Kevin’s pet tortoise.
  • If the door is closed when it arrives to cause a racket, it will instead just go away, from whence it came.
• To get Percival to shut up, turn around (press the down arrow key) and click on the helpful ‘shut up’ button.
  • Don’t forget to turn back around to get back to using the cameras (down arrow key again).
  • Percival’s High Quality Tortoise Lullabies will slowly start to wake up the tortoise. The intros will not wake up the tortoise. Try to get them to stop whilst the intro is playing!
• If the Asleepn’tness (bad) meter fills up, Kevin’s tortoise will be asleepn’t.
  • And you will lose!
• If Kevin’s tortoise is still asleep at the end of the Unspecified Period Of Time, you win!
  • Yes, you almost definitely will lose the game at first.
    • If at first you don’t succeed, work out what overwhelmed you. Everything in the Tortoise sanctuary follows very distinct rules. It is possible to learn their behaviours, and to learn from your mistakes.
      • And some cameras are more important than other cameras.
        • The rooms with cameras 1, 2, and 7 are directly connected to your office. As a rule of thumb, anything in those rooms is likely to turn up outside your office at any moment. Keep a close eye on these cameras!
        • Same thing applies to camera 8.
  • Of course, you could just close the door and wait for them to go away (if you feel like you won’t be a victim of some very poor timing, ofc).
    • Just don’t leave the door closed when it doesn’t need to be closed. Let’s just say that things will start getting weird if you insist on keeping it closed for too long.